This post has weighed heavily on my heart for months now, maybe longer, but some words spoken this summer have propelled me to write. When I heard a certain set of words this summer, I wanted to speak out immediately; I wanted to rail and indict, but my 17-year-old son urged me to cool down first, and he said, “Momma, please don’t say anything. It’s not your place to say anything.” And he was right in that situation – right then was not the time nor the place to say what I needed to say. I hope now is the time, after a month or so of contemplation and prayer, and this blog post is the place to say fully what I need to say. I pray that those reading this will not be offended, but instead will listen all the way through, and know that I am saying what I am saying not to condemn anyone but to uplift those who have been condemned numerous times by some well-intentioned words. Also, one more disclaimer: I am dealing today with only one type of situation. I know many different variations of this story exist, but I can’t address all of them in one blog post, so today, I will discuss only this one particularly irritating circumstance.

Here are those well-intentioned words, spoken repeatedly and in various contexts:

“Girls, you need to dress modestly. You need to cover up because the boys don’t need to be distracted by looking at you and not paying attention to the message.”

Words have serious impact, and these words in particular reinforce so many harmful gender roles and negative scenarios in our culture that we have to stop saying these words right now.

Now, am I arguing that we, all of us, regardless of gender, should not dress modestly? No, of course not. We have so many relevant reasons to dress modestly that we shouldn’t have to resort to the “you will distract the boys” excuse, and I will discuss those throughout this essay, but for now, let’s examine exactly what’s so harmful about the “you will distract the boys” reasoning.

Maybe the people who say these comments to girls believe they are complimenting girls. “Look how much power you have! You can distract a boy from learning about calculus or baseball or God,” they seem to be saying. And maybe a girl does have that power. Yet, that power does not negate the fact that we must all be individually responsible for our own actions.

These types of admonishments and reasoning are damaging to both boys and girls for several reasons.
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Reason one. Telling girls that the way they dress distracts boys, regardless of whether that is true or not, teaches girls that they are responsible for boys’ behavior when we intellectually know that the only one in control of one’s behavior is oneself. So what we are doing is telling girls that they must not only control their own bodies and their own minds, but they must anticipate the actions of any boy they meet and prepare to control their actions, as well. Of course, this is a burden too heavy for any one individual to contemplate. Yes, I fully understand that other people will react to the way I present myself, but again I can only control my own actions and the way I want to present myself. Other people’s reactions are out of my control. Can I influence those reactions from other people? Possibly, since some evidence shows that trends exist in the way we perceive colors and attractiveness. For example, red seems to be a more persuasive color, and blue is a calming color,  yet those truths cannot be applied to every individual who brings a unique sense of identity and personality to every situation. For instance, when I arrive at school one particular day, I may wear a completely tasteful and attractive blouse that features pink roses in its design. I look beautiful and professional, yet someone I encounter at school that day just attended the funeral of a loved one last weekend where pink roses held a special significance in the ceremony. The person mourning bursts into tears at the sight of my blouse and rushes out of the room heartbroken. I never intended a negative reaction and had no reason to expect a negative reaction, yet the circumstances of the other’s person’s life triggered such a negative reaction. This might be a silly and not exactly parallel situation, but it does serve to illustrate that even with our best intentions, we cannot control how other people react. Still, trying to influence the way others see me is not the same as being responsible for the way others see me or react to me. I can make smart choices, keeping in mind how others might perceive me and shaping my image to reflect the person I want to be, but I cannot control other people.

And then we tell our girls that if they can’t control the way a boy reacts to her attire, or if girls choose to reject their responsibility for controlling the way boys react, then they will become whores (or viewed as a whore, which amounts to about the same thing), and no one will want them anymore. They will become that ubiquitous “chewed up piece of gum.”

Consider Elizabeth Smart, who was kidnapped right out of her bedroom and forced to live with and have sex with her abductor for years before she was rescued. In a recent article for LDSLiving, Danielle B. Wagner writes, “‘I think the power of faith is amazing, the hope and the healing that it can bring to people,’ Elizabeth Smart said in the interview, crediting her LDS faith for helping her survive and overcome the nightmare of her abduction. ‘But I also think there’s another side of it that can be potentially very harmful, especially when a lot of religions teach that sexual relations are meant for marriage… It’s so stressed that, girls in particular, tie their worth to their virginity, or, for lack of a better word, purity'” (Read more here).

Smart continues to explain: “‘I did make that promise to myself that I was going to wait until marriage before I had sex… Well, then I was kidnapped and I was raped, and one of the first thoughts I had was, ‘No one is ever going to want to marry me now: I’m worthless, I’m filthy, I’m dirty.’ I think every rape survivor feels those same feelings, but having that with the pressure of faith compounded on top—it was almost crippling.'”

Now, I can hear those who object to my commentary saying that being kidnapped and raped is different than willingly offering oneself up through a clothing choice and deliberately luring a boy away from the right and true path, but really, once the “damage” is done, would a girl who is brought up thinking she must control a boy’s reaction think any differently of herself if she finds herself unable to control his actions, or Heaven forbid, control her own? I have actually heard people make comments such as, “What did she expect when she dressed that way? She should have known better than to look like that.” Knowing she would receive attention for her attire is not the same as consenting to sex or being responsible for someone’s else’s actions. We are quick to criticize those who blame their lack of success in life on their dysfunctional upbringing or those who blame their criminal activity on the unfair circumstances dealt by fate. How is laying blame for a boy’s behavior on a girl’s clothing choice any different? Aren’t we negating the role of personal responsibility in all these circumstances? Plus, controlling one’s individual actions, whether we are talking about a girl or a boy, is precisely my point in this tirade, and I hope to show in just a few minutes how rape and this “don’t distract the boys” ideology are not that far apart.

Instead of telling girls that they must dress a certain way in order to control boys’ reactions, maybe we should tell all students that they should dress in a way that will help them to be viewed by others the way they want to be perceived. Maybe we should emphasize personal choice and the connection between how we feel about ourselves and the way others treat us. Maybe we should approach this whole situation a little differently.

Now, is it fair, right, or just that people judge us based on the way we look? Absolutely not. But don’t we want a world where people are valued for their hearts and minds and not simply for something as  superficial as looks? Then, we must do our part in building such a world, regardless of how futile the effort may seem. Not to say that any of us dislikes being told we are pretty or sexy. No, on the contrary, we definitely enjoy compliments regarding our looks, and we certainly enjoy the attention attractiveness brings. But none of these truths prevent a person from choosing to dressing modestly. A person can be completely beautiful and sexually alluring and still dress in a way that doesn’t relegate ourselves into mere sexual objects.

Reason two. When we tell girls that they have to dress a certain way so they don’t distract boys, we are at the same time telling boys that they are not responsible for their own behavior. In effect, we are telling both groups, “Boys can’t control themselves. Therefore, girls, you must control them instead.” When we tell boys they are incapable of controlling themselves, we are denying the power of the Holy Spirit. That may seem like a logical jump, but consider this. The fruit of the Holy Spirit includes self-control; that may refer to self-control regarding food, regarding temper, regarding our words, but it also refers to sexual self-control. If we are telling boys that they are incapable of controlling their sexual desires, then we are telling them that either they don’t have access to the Holy Spirit or the Holy Spirit does not have the power to help them build self-control. If we believe that the Holy Spirit has power to grow in us the fruit of the spirit, and if we believe that every believer has access to the Holy Spirit, then every boy who is a believer has access to the power that leads to self-control (and the same for any girl who believes). So maybe we ought to focus a little more by instructing all students on how to access the power of the Holy Spirit, how to grow in self-control with the help of the Holy Spirit. Maybe we should tell boys that they are in control of their bodies and their reactions, and when it feels as if they are not, they can rely on the power of the Holy Spirit.  Maybe simpler said than done, I imagine, but when does difficulty exempt us from making the right choice? I know that I am woefully unaware of the battles a teenage boy endures. Am I denying that a boy may struggle with controlling his hormonal urges? Of course, not. Not any more than I am denying that any person might struggle with his or her desire to eat too much or desire to buy too much or desire to seek revenge. Yet, we must all learn to control those urges, as well, correct? Why do we lift a boy’s sexual drive higher than any other carnal instinct, almost as if we have built a shrine to it? What makes sexual desires exempt from being controlled by either gender?

Being swept out of control at the mercy of our feelings and hormones ends well only in movies and Romantic literature – and not always there, either (The Scarlet Letter, anyone?). It sounds daring and intoxicating, to be totally taken away by passion and caught up in a moment that can’t be relived, and our culture reinforces that idea’s allure through countless advertising campaigns and movies and songs. Our culture tells us we deserve to feed those desires, we deserve a moment of pleasure, and we shouldn’t deny ourselves. Yet, reality does inevitably set in after the passion fades, and we cannot afford to deny our natural longing for that passionate moment nor the reality that follows. Rather than shaming sex and a body’s natural sexual desires (such shaming violates the Bible’s teachings about sex anyway) we might want to begin teaching how God views sex and how he gives us, through the Holy Spirit, the ability to control our desires and to save sexual relations for how they were intended – in a healthy, loving, mature, ordained relationship.

Then, we compound pressure on the boys, as well. On the one hand, we tell boys that they are weak, unable to control their impulses. On the other hand, we tell them they must grow up to be men, to be the spiritual heads of their households. Talk about mixed messages. What is a boy to do?

Don’t think that this commentary amounts to a protest against dress codes altogether, either; in no way am I implying that there is no standard way of dressing for various occasions. I fully acknowledge that the way we dress for a wedding would be quite different from the way we dress for a Fourth of July picnic, which is very different from the way we might dress for a funeral. We wear certain clothes for a job interview at a bank, but we might wear different, yet still professional attire, for a job in the fashion industry. Yet, in all of these cases, a person chooses his or her clothes to fit the situation, not in preparation to control the reactions of someone who may be sexually attracted to him or her (to influence how others see us, sure, but still not the same as controlling another person’s actions). And if we establish dress codes with the reasoning of maintaining proper attire for the purpose of the gathering or for respect for the particular situation, then that purpose becomes the basis for the choice of clothing by the participants, not because we might lure someone else into disrespecting the function of the gathering. A person who wants to display his or her sexual appeal or to garner sexual attention should choose a situation or gathering suited for that purpose. Church is about worship; school is about learning; a workplace is about performing an assigned duty; therefore, we should dress with these purposes in mind.

Reason three. When we tell boys that they are not responsible for their reactions, then we are reinforcing this insidious idea of a rape culture. How many times have we heard the same story that goes something like this: a boy rapes a girl and then offers countless reasons he couldn’t stop himself based on factors such as the clothes the girl was wearing, the weakness of the girl’s protests, the state of his or her intoxication, the amount of teasing the girl did before the act occurred? Look no further than the ubiquitous controversy surrounding the infamous rapist and Stanford swimmer Brock Turner, who was caught in the act of raping an intoxicated girl and served only 3 months for his crime. We even see these arguments made in a court situation; the boy on trial for rape fades into the background, and the girl who was raped ends up being questioned as if she were the one who had committed a crime. Where do boys get the idea that they were duped into committing the crime of rape? Could it come from years of being told that a girl’s attire could distract him, that a girl should dress in a way that allows him to keep his mind on work, that he is completely at the mercy of a girl and her sexual appeal? Again, I know that the relationship between a boy and a girl with the boy as the aggressor is only one aspect of gender roles and societal pressure, and that roles can be reversed and various situations can look quite different, but this relationship is the aspect I choose to discuss today only because of how many times I have heard leaders tell girls to dress a certain way to prevent boys from being distracted. This commentary does not apply to any other types of relationships or injustices that may occur, and I never intend to diminish any other person’s experiences.

For those of us who are in a position to influence teens, where do we go from here? How do we start to change the conversation about dressing modestly and building self-respect? Maybe we can start with a positive approach, start talking about what teens should do instead of shouting out a list of what they shouldn’t do. Let’s start affirming instead of shaming. Let’s affirm that yes, we are sexual creatures; God created us to be sexual creatures. Yet, let’s affirm that our sexuality is only one part of who we are, an important part perhaps, yet still only a part. God created us to be intelligent, thoughtful, kind people with enormous ability and numerous and varied talents. Let’s affirm that everyone enjoys being appreciated for attractiveness. But let’s also affirm that our attractiveness is not all that defines us. We are more than our ability to attract a lover. Our power rests in our minds and our hearts and our spirits and our abilities, not just in our sexual appeal. Let’s affirm our power over our desires. Let’s affirm the power of the Holy Spirit to transform our lives into beauty and purpose. Let’s tell our students that they have so much more to offer this world than just their sexual attractiveness, and let’s affirm our God-given responsibility to value people as souls created by a loving and merciful God, not objects to be used just for temporary pleasure and then tossed, or objects to be valued for their sexual allure alone. Let’s affirm our abilities to present ourselves as singular and wonderfully-made beings, all carrying they unequaled and unmatched fingerprint of a Creator who values diversity.